Grapefruit

I just had a genuine fairy tale experience!  Well, sort of.  A guy in a ball cap just rang my doorbell and gave me fruit.  A grapefruit, an orange, and an apple.  It was delicious, but I am now remembering how innocent girls in stories wind up screwed because they ate the fruit, sometimes brought to them by someone who rang the bell.  Shoot, the fruit-thing is even biblical... but this guy didn't have a snake tattoo or anything.  Nor was he a snake himself.  He looked like he was only selling fruit door-to-door until his death metal band makes it big.   He didn't seem like he was helping a wicked queen or a fallen angel exact its revenge, though that would be EXTREMELY metal...    

If it had JUST been an apple, I'd have been suspicious.  And I don't think it was braeburn apples in the garden of eden, which is what dude gave me.  Adam and Eve are always portrayed in paintings as eating red delicious, but I'm thinking it was probably more like a cute little heirloom apple that brought about the fall of man, don't you think?  Disney Snow White eats what looks to be a chemically-enhanced-and-engineered, grown-in-Chile-and-purchased-at-Wal-Mart sort of very red and delicious apple.  Just the sort of UN-fresh fruit not sold by the people at Hawkins Brothers, who have the freshest fruit and apparently come, unbidden, to your doorstep with creepy gifts that are sort of quasi-sexy in nature.  I am suddenly very aware that I'm naked... now that I think of it, it was also pretty weird that the guy who brought me the fruit was naked.  Curiouser and curiouser...

A pomegranate would also have been a little dicey.  Too myth-y.  This is how we end up in the underworld for part of the year.  No one with pure intentions would bring you a pomegranate.

It was the grapefruit that threw me.  I'll go look that up in my dream dictionary, just in case I hallucinated this whole event to begin with.  I hope it doesn't mean I have a brain tumor. 

See, if I were a boy, this wouldn't be an issue.  That narrative always works out fine for the hero.  Aren't you supposed to trust the wise man on the road, and take the things he offers you?  Don't those strangely-inappropriate gifts always help out later? 

I don't know.  I'm confused.  My lips are tingling in a psychosomatic, oh-dear-god, I-hope-my-evil-stepmother-didn't-lace-that-shit-with-rat-bait sort of way....  Then again, last time I ate a peach, my face got quite puffy... Damn you delicious fruit and your horrible side effects!

See, if it had been candy, I wouldn't have taken it.  Even I'm not that stupid.  Wise men on the road don't even try and pull that shit. 

Well, in the off-chance that I'm the hero of this epic, and not the doomed heroine of this tragedy, I'm gonna go plant the rest of this creepy free fruit in my backyard and see if I get a giant grap-or-apple-tree.  This is if I don't fall asleep for a hundred years...